Revelations
by baka coconut
Summary: What would happen if Raito remembered him being Kira, but didn't regain his Kira persona? What if he remembered on his own instead of with the Death Note? Will the guilt of his action ruin him, or will there be someone there to save him? L/Raito shounen-a
1. Wake up

Hello! I liked this concept, so I'm going to go for it! Basically, what would happen if Raito didn't need the death note to remember himself? He almost was anyway in the series, so it's not that far-fetched. If he remembered the death note and what he'd done without becoming Kira again, what would happen exactly?

Warning: Shounen-ai. Don't like, don't read. Also, some craziness, because I just like that.

Disclaimer: Don't own, so please don't sue!

Please read and review!

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_Screams._

_The loudest screams ever heard in the history of the world._

_The Holocaust. The witch trials. The Spanish inquisition. Slavery. Suicide bombings._

_All of them paled in comparison to the screams in Yagami Raito's head._

_In this certain head, the screams were ripping him in a jagged line roughly in half. He was like a china doll, so delicate that sound vibrations could make it crack. His hands feebly covered his ears, trying with all of his might to block out the sound._

_Somehow, he knew where these screams were coming from. In the back of his mind, he knew._

_As the black blood poured out of the corners of his eyes, he looked down at himself. The crack from his center had spread out to spider across his skin, scratching ugly ebony into his perfectly toned skin. The screams grew louder, and he turned._

_He was faced with thousands of hands, all with bloodshot eyes behind them. All clawing and reaching for him. His eyes widened as the black liquid continued to drip from them. He was frozen there._

_Until a soft thump came from behind him._

_He turned halfway, head craning, eyes stretching to be released from their sockets, eager to try to see what new horror lay behind him. Some monster perhaps?_

_That's exactly what he found there._

_A monster with black binding and ghost letters sprawled across the surface._

_The hands grew closer, the screams louder._

_"Death No-"_

_A pale hand reached out with only the pointer finger extended, the thumb closely following it, the other fingers curled awkwardly and carefully towards the palm._

_It scratched his face._

_He felt himself shatter, turning to dust to dance on the literally howling wind, and he added his voice to the chorus of infinite screams._

_The screams of victims._

_The screams of_** his** _victims._

………………………………...

"Raito-kun!"

The boy's eyes snapped open and he noticed there was a strange noise in the room. It sounded like someone was being strangled, but had just enough space in their airway to let out a soul shattering shriek. He felt his lungs empty like neglected balloons and inhaled.

Oddly enough, the noise stopped and in it's place, a burning feeling erupted in the boy's throat. His hand went to the flesh on the outside of the effected area, trying to quell the angry sensation there. He looked to the right to see a pair of dark eyes worrying over him, hovering only about a foot away. A delicate hand reached towards him, index finger extended in Ryuuzaki's trademark style.

Raito watched as it approached. That hand. He looked up to the dark pools of concern that were still hanging in front of him like silent sentinels. That darkness.

That dream……..

That realization………

His eyes widened, hearing the screams tumble out of his dreams into his consciousness. He himself started to shriek again and threw his body so it was facing up to the ceiling, eyes squeezing shut, his hands flying up to his ears, clenching the hair around them for some sort of leverage to keep him from going mad. Just _something_ to hold onto.

"Raito-kun! What's wrong? What's wrong?!" Through the racket in his head and the noise erupting from his vocal chords, he could still hear L. He could still hear the fear making it's Broadway debut in his voice. The way it trembled ever so slightly.

Raito stilled as he remembered the notebook.

The Death Note.

His eyes slid back to his crow of a companion, taking in the dark form as it was halfway on his bed in a stilled mounting position. It was almost like crouching, but in L's own way. Strong and poised, yet strangely elegant and exotic. Like an animal. Like something strong and protective of what was theirs.

Raito needed that protection right now.

If not from the deeds he just discovered he had done in the past, then from his own overwhelming guilt.

So he launched himself at the frozen man, limbs flying to wrap themselves around their target. With a startled cry, L was pulled into the soft comforts of Raito's bed, his own forgotten and cold feet away.

"R-Raito…kun?" He cast his wide eyes down to his chest to see an ocean of auburn trying to bury its self within his ribcage. If successful, would this ease its agony? Would L's ribs be a strong enough bird cage to fend off the thoughts and memories trying to assault the younger boy? Would the older one's inexperienced heart be able to share its sparse warmth enough to surround the other with the light he is supposed to embody? Theses thoughts were much too sappy for the current situation, so L rid himself of them, choosing to simply ask the only question that mattered once again.

"Raito-kun, what happened?" He tilted his head down further to get a better look at his shaking friend. His amber eyes were wide enough to rival the observing black ones, and his arms were wrapped too tightly around L for proper respiration. His curled fists were sweating and would surely leave wrinkles in the detective's shirt at the sides of his ribs where they were desperately clinging. A shuddering breath sounded from deep within the white cotton field of L's shirt. As it came back out, it drug Raito's words out with it.

"I hear the screams." If L had eyebrows, they would be clenching together in concern right about now, but since he was lacking this basic bit of human equipment, his eyes were the only window into his emotions. They're wide windows though, and show much when allowed.

L couldn't help but wrap his own arms around his shuddering companion. Raito's skin crawled and twitched under his touch, but his cotton-covered chest remained dry. He thought carefully, deciding the teen's dream must have been horrifying beyond sadness. He clung gently to Raito. They were facing each other. He began to run his ivory fingers through silk the color of sunsets, delicately running his nails across the horizon that separated that shimmering sky and the sea of his brain.

Normally, this would be insanely awkward, but the boy needed someone, and the chain between them basically designated that person as L. Not that he minded, friends comfort each other after all. It's just what friends do. Even if there is an uncomfortable warmth inside of his chest, it's what friends do.

So he cradled his friend, carefully taking handfuls of the other's shirt into his unoccupied fist as a reminder of his concern. Another frantic breath in, slower than the others, indicating that the trembling mass was about to speak again.

"L…." Finally, bloodshot brown met smooth grey-black, allowing both to see into each other. For a moment, Raito's speech is halted as air gets caught in his trachea, catching on the thorns of shock. Above him, the normally stoic black orbs were simply brimming with emotion, and he knew his eyes were doing the same. Both of their guards were completely down for this one moment.

So, for this one moment, Raito was going to be honest. He swallowed hard.

"L…I'm almost positive that I'm Kira."

The comforting pressure that L was applying vanished in an instant, now just a loose and hollow entanglement of limbs. L's eyes were wider, more distant, and more shocked than ever as they shifted and stared at the sheets behind Raito's head. The moment was ruined, and so was Raito.

He let go of his hope for a life, for happiness.

He let go of his tears so they could crash down with the world he forgot he was building.

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Oooooo! Cliffhanger! Whatever will L do?! Sorry for all the drama, but I felt like being dramatic tonight, so nyah! So then, Raito remembers that he's Kira. Will he tear himself apart, or will Ryuuzaki provide some lovin to make it all better? Give me lots of reviews so you can find out! Please! I get discouraged when I don't get reviews, so the more you give me, the more I'll want to write! Thankyou for reading!

P.S. This isn't my usual writing style, so some constructive criticism is very much appreciated! I'm trying to broaden my horizons!


	2. Dive into Denial

Chapter two! Sorry I haven't updated anything in a while, but I've been really tired and sick and I had midterms and they sucked! I have some time now though, and I'm going to actually start stuff now! Enjoy!

A note about L's quirks: I'm going to make L taller than Light, because in the bonus manga, it says he's "approximately" 5'8", so I'm just going to say that true when he slouches, so he's actually taller. Also, his eyebrows are MAGIC! Seriously, read the manga and you'll notice that he has them in one panel, and then they're gone in the next! Two panels later, and they're back! So well, I'm just going to stick with the anime and say that he doesn't have any XD. Also, anyone notice in the beginning of the manga that L's hair and entire demeanor is different? Really, look at like his first almost appearance and his hair's different. His attitude's different in the beginning of the anime too, he's more expressive. Anyone else think these things are weird?

Disclaimer: Don't own, don't sue.

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"Raito-kun. You have said this before. You have already been confined and observed, and you are already under my personal supervision. Unless this is a true confession, unlike last time, I will still be able to do nothing. Also, you are still upset by your dream." L returned his cool eyes to Raito's. His were on fire. For once though, it wasn't passion or desire.

It was fear.

"L, this _is _a real confession. You have to arrest me before I find a way to start killing again." The brown eyed boy gave the warm body next to him a shake of desperation, like a child begging their parent to buy them candy. L considered his options.

"The team would never give me a chance to confine you again, and we still have no conclusive evidence that would prove your guilt. In other words, even though you have confessed now, I still cannot arrest you, Yagami-kun." Pale arms retracted away from tan skin as L turned to get up. He had a confession. A _confession_ but because of this already happening once, it didn't even matter. They're still at square one.

"All we have to do is find the Death Note L." Time stopped for a brief moment. L froze mid-step.

"…Death Note?" Still frozen. Petrified. His brain had already started working. The second Kira had mentioned a note. She had also mentioned shinigami.

"Yes. It's what I've been using to kill criminals. I don't remember the intricacies of my plans, but I do know that when you write someone's name down in it, that person will die if you know their face." In a flash, black was on red. L had Raito pinned down to the bed, however he refused to climb on top of his prey due to the compromising position that might turn out to be. His face was as calm as ever, but he allowed his voice to let his urgency be known.

"Yagami, I need you to tell me everything right now." Raito's eyes narrowed in concentration, searching for answers in the darkness of space that was L's eyes.

"I…. I don't know where it is, or why I don't remember anything, but I do remember that I had it and that someone else has it now." L's eyes narrowed too, but he did it in irritation. Of course Raito couldn't remember anything really useful .However, he did know the method being used. Possibly.

"Yagami-kun, you could be being used by Kira right now as a scapegoat. You could also be telling the far-fetched truth. Again, I still cannot arrest you. I will treat you the same way I always have, seeing as how I have always believed you to be Kira." The teen stared in disbelief for a moment before his expression began to melt into that of anger. More than anger. Fury. It was like watching the blissful snow melt to reveal the filthy earth below.

"Why is it that you won't believe me?! You've always thought that I'm Kira, so why can't you just accept my confession and happily stick the circumstantial evidence together and kill me already?" Both boys were standing now, exchanging glares.

"Why is Yagami so insistent?"

"Because I can't stand this! I can't stand being Kira and I would rather die for my sins than live with them! I don't want to be Kira! Why won't you serve justice like you said you would?!" Light held L's gaze for a long moment. For a long moment, Raito thought he had gotten to him. He thought maybe he would be killed justly. Until L turned away to walk to his computer. He brought up a few files. Light was sure now that L was doing exactly what he had asked him to. Was positive.

The little ping that indicates a deletion rang through the room.

Raito's eyes widened as he watched L delete all of the footage from the last half hour from the surveillance files.

"I also do not wish for Light to be Kira." L had never called him by the English pronunciation before. He also had never seen L delete _anything_. Raito was officially flabbergasted.

"I do not wish for anyone to see this footage. I do not believe this conversation to be a valid confession, and therefore I do not wish for someone else to try to use this footage as false evidence." L stood back up from leaning over his chair. He faced the other boy with utmost seriousness.

"We cannot come to a definite conclusion regarding your innocence until the currently acting Kira is apprehended. We should now return to sleeping, as this is my bi-weekly night to rest and you cannot function properly without recharging." Raito watched as L shuffled back to his bed. He just…. Shuffled back. Not a single second thought? Nothing?

"We're just….going to go back to sleep? Just like as if this didn't happen?" L slipped under the covers of his own bed, folding in on himself.

"There is no course of action to be taken, and there are few new details brought to light by this occurrence that can be credible at this time. Sleeping is the only logical thing to do at this time." With that, L rolled away from the still standing Light. Said boy _really_ wanted to punch his friend. Or kill himself.

No, that wouldn't avenge all of the people that he's killed.

He didn't deserve the luxury of running away.

So Light returned to sleep, dreaming again of his past, hearing the screams come again. He wasn't afraid of them this time though. He welcomed the torture. He slept through it all, enduring the pain of his own actions.

L never did get to sleep. He'd have to wait until he simply collapsed tomorrow. What fun.

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Mmmmm, that wasn't as dramatic as I wanted it to be, but I'm still quite tired. Ah well, drama will return very soon, because I love it and I love torturing my characters, so hurray! By the way, for those of you wondering, this is taking place before the Yotsuba break, so they don't know about Higuchi yet. So, how will things go from here? Will Light fall back into thinking like Kira? What will happen to both of their psyche? Will we ever get some boy lovin'?! Well, you'll find out eventually. I'll try to keep my updates more regular from now on. Please review, and thank you for reading!


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